In My Weakness...

At 21 weeks into this pregnancy the number one question I get asked, is "how am I feeling?" Most of the time my response is the generic, "I am doing good!" Followed by whatever week we are on and our next appointment.

But, if you saw me in my more raw moments you would see me wrestling with my changing body, feeling weaker, wondering where my energy went, moments filled with inexplicable joy and also moments filled with overwhelm. You would find journal entries filled with verses, quotes from worship, and all my jumbled thoughts, written in messy prayers.

If you had a birds eye view to my life, you would also see the smile on my face when I feel baby girl move, get ultrasound pics or find baby clothes at the store. You would see the moments of my husband and I laughing over what we have ahead of us. As well as me curled up next to him sharing my doubts and worries. You would see it all, but if you could be inside my head, you would see how weak I feel.

As I was wrestling with this one night, the Lord brought this thought to my mind. "You were always weak Erika, pregnancy just striped away your pride and showed you, your desperate need for me." How true this is, without God I am nothing, without God this pregnancy nor anything else in my life would exist. It is in His strength that I am able to accomplish anything at all.

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

It might sound cliche to say that this pregnancy has brought me closer to God, but that is the truth. Throughout this pregnancy I have been able to experience God as creator first hand as He creates Baby Girl's life. I have experience God as sustainer on the days I have been extremely exhausted or felt weak. I have experienced His comforting presence when anxiety and worry creep in. As I read the verse above, I look at feeling vulnerable and weak differently. Not that I am not enough, though it is true on my own I am not enough. Instead that my weakness is an opportunity for Christ's power to be at work in me and through me.

One of the best things about pregnancy is how it has deepened my relationship with God and how it has allowed me to experience Him in new ways and we are only halfway through. I know that the rest of this journey and motherhood will grow my faith even more and I am excited.

I also know from living a little bit of life, that pregnancy is not the only way we can feel weak. Perhaps, you are battling an illness or injury. Maybe yours is more of a spiritual weakness instead of physical. Life has just gotten to be a lot and you feel bogged down by it all. I have been there too and I am learning...take a deep breath for this one because it is a doozy...to ask for help.

Seriously this is so hard for some of us, but we weren't created to live this life alone. We were created for community, to have other believers to lean on when our faith is weak or we need physical help. This requires us to be honest and vulnerable, going deeper than just the generic answers like I mentioned at the start of this. It requires us to let others in. Sometimes this can seem harder than just doing it ourselves, but I promise you life with others is worth it. It is worth the effort of uncomfortable first meetings, saying "yes" to invites even if you don't know anybody there or being brave and asking someone to coffee. Life together is better.

As we close out this coffee chat, I just want to leave you with this prayer.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for how you care for us. Thank you that in my weakness you're strength can show its power. Thank you for the grace you pour out on me when I am slow to see what you are teaching me. Whatever I am walking through today I know that you are bigger and stronger than it. Thank you for all you are doing in my life. Help me to be bold in finding community and leaning on the community you have provided me with for help. Teach me to rest in you today.

Amen!