Taste and See

Have you ever truly craved time with the Lord? It is such a delightful, powerful feeling when it happens to me. I have been on a journey the past few years with my quiet time. It started with a disgruntled college student forcing herself to wake up half an hour earlier to MAYBE spend five minutes with her Bible open. To listening to sermons on her drive to student teaching, to creating a prayer corner on her couch where she sat each morning before work to pray, read the Bible and wait for her fiance to come home from deployment. To a new wife, in a new state, who stayed at home and now dedicated an hour to quiet time. To a pregnant girl who completely forgot her Bible existed for a month during first trimester, to then living in the scriptures while discerning what God had instore for her birth. To the stage I am at now a new mom of a four month old where no two days look the exact same.

Some mornings I can absolutely get half an hour to read through my Bible and really get some time to unpack it. Others I am lucky if I can get through one verse in an hour. My point is I think our faith journey has seasons, but the key is to always be seeking Him. Once you have started to cultivate that relationship with the Lord, you long for that time with Him. Like a friend who you love to spend time with. That was me about a month ago. We were deep in the 3 month leap/regression and life felt more than a little overwhelming. Living the answered prayer, grateful for motherhood, in awe of my daughter, but also would really love her to nap for longer than 20 minutes so I could get shower and a hot cup of coffee.

"I just want an hour to read my Bible and maybe a shower for Valentines day" I told my husband. He had time off coming and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. There would be days coming with an extra set of hands that could help and love my sweet girl while I rested. It still felt far away though. I was hungry for time with God. I knew that is what I needed. My head was swirling with thoughts, my prayers were clunky. As much as I desired time with Him. I wasn't taking advantage of the pockets of time He was giving me to connect. I had an all or nothing mindset and if it didn't fit my perfect picture of what time with Him should look like I ignored it.

My daughter and I have been going on daily walks, one because outside is the reset we all need and two I need to move my body. So I went on a a walk we are blessed to have some really nice walking trails near our house and one of them has this cute boardwalk that leads into some forested area where you feel kinda hidden from the world. As we went down this trail my daughter was napping and I was listening to a podcast and my heart was frustrated. Don't get me wrong the podcast was incredible, but I was fighting feelings of jealousy because I was desiring a ministry like what I was listening too, but that isn't where I am right now. Continuing down the trail listening and getting more and more exasperated with myself, I saw a bench. The sun was hitting it and all of a sudden I heard/felt God say "STOP."

My typical human-esc self made excuses like "she's napping, I should keep going, I need to use this time to get home and get chores done, what if she wakes up? The diapers are back at home" I was having what I call a "Moses Moment" or "Mosesing" and I am really good at it when I put my mind to it. However, I eventually listened. I stopped. I turned off the podcast as He prompted me to be still and I sat on this bench. Sun streaming, my daughter sleeping and I breathed.

It was quiet...

No noise from the house full of chores, no fussy baby, not the endless doomscroll of other peoples opinions, no podcast to distract me from the authentic voice of God. Just quiet. Then it hit me, God had literally drawn me into His presence. See when I started that walk (that I hadn't even wanted to go on) I was only going to go for a mile. But as I walked I felt drawn to take this trail that round trip is closer to two miles. Now here I was on a trail I wasn't going to go on sitting on a bench.

THIS IS IT! My mind shouted. He has given me my quiet time. Then this type A overthinker got in the way. BUTIDON'THAVEMYBIBLEORMYJOURNELIDON'THAVEANYTHINGOHTHISISN'TGOINGTOWORK!(I am not sure how to type racing thoughts, but this is basically how it felt)

The wind blew the sun shined and I knew that I needed to be still. He wasn't calling me out here to have a picture perfect quiet time. I had His presence...why was I looking for more?

A funny thing happens when you come face to face with God. You are confronted with your sinful self. You realize your deep need for forgiveness, grace and mercy. I have found it often leads to confession and this is what happened here. I confessed. The jealousy, the pride, my desire to control. There is a song that has a line "find me faithful, find me grateful, find me on my knees." This has echoed through my mind for a few weeks and it came to me again here. Followed by God prompting. "So are you going to get on your knees?"

And I did...

I am embarrassed to say that I didn't do that to begin with, but it is hard to bow when you are still holding on to your pride and self-righteousness. I had to let that go first. There on natures floor I knelt. Praying boldly, knowing that God knew my deepest needs and hearts desire. He knew what I was wrestling with and He called me to this ministry NOT because my name needs to be great, but because He wants His name to be declared by every nation. Those women on the podcast have their own calling. Our mission is the same, but the ministry is different. God doesn't need me to be like them, He needs me to be how He created me.

As I was praying I heard myself say "You can have my family" I immediately backtracked with thoughts like Wait No! I don't mean it. I need them. Please don't take them. I love them. I don't think I fully know what I am saying when I say that. And then another pause. "Yes Lord even them" I would love you even if it meant loosing my family. Do I think that is what God is going to do? I don't know. I hope not. I don't think it was as much preparing me to loose my family as it was the condition of my heart. He needed me to let go of the thing I was loving more than Him. Even the good things He has blessed me with. It doesn't, shouldn't come before my love for Him.

All I am I surrender....You can have it all Lord.

Breathing deep. Asking Him to help me live out what I was proclaiming. That it would be true heart change not just words.

Then I wasn't just kneeling I was face down. I don't remember making a conscious choice to fall face down, but I think it is a feeling I need to get more familiar with. I think sometimes we get too causal in our relationship with God and forget that He is literally the King of Kings, God of the Universe. How could I not fall before His throne?

But He is also a tender loving Father. Who lifts you up from the forest floor, tells you to dust off the dirt from your jeans and to go home. Return to what I have given you to steward, but return with joy and gladness. Renewed purpose and clarity on what your identity is and isn't.

I was craving quiet time with Him, desiring it and He gave it to me. But in doing so also showed me His character and His power. It wasn't up to me to pick the time or to even keep my baby asleep. He did all of that. It didn't look the way I expected it too, it was better. It was exactly what I was looking for, but not what I thought I needed. It fulfilled me and satisfied me in ways I didn't know I was hurting.

It is scary in some ways to share this with you all. It requires vulnerability and even as I type this I worry about how it might be taken. However what I know is this. I want to start living boldly. I don't want to put off Godly living and obedience because the time is now. We don't know the day or the hour. We need to be living with urgency. Not because current events drive us to fear or remind us of our fragility. But because He commanded us to live with purpose, to walk in obedience, to love others, to tell future generations of what He has done for us and to be on the lookout for conversations that bring glory to Him.

I pray that you have a forest floor moment too. It is painful to be striped of the things we are clutching so tightly, but let go of the rope friend. Everything you are tugging behind you wasn't yours to carry. You can't. I can't. Only through surrender can we walk through the brokenness of this world. Trusting in His Faithfulness, His character, meditating on Him, bowing before His throne. If we lead our families from this heart posture, what Kingdom impact could we have? How could God use us to advance His purpose if we lived lives fully surrendered? I don't have the answers, but I think I want to find out. Will you join me?